A Play. Not About Cole Slaw. But Equally Redneck. Written By Me.

Characters:

• AMBER – not wearing cute jeans as in previous Act, but wearing equally cute flip flops
• BARNEY FIFE – small town -- very small town -- police officer who most certainly carries his only bullet in his front pocket
• 3 RASCALS – tousled hair, sleepers in eyes, and remnants of chocolate poptarts smeared from chin to forehead (the remains of a rushed morning and excellent parenting)
• 1 RASCALETTE – very beautiful teenage girl who belongs to one of AMBER’S BFFs
• RED BOMB – minivan that adorns herself frequently in rancid chicken nuggets and sticky bubble gum wrappers under her seats.

Setting:

• Mayberry, Arkansas. A town with more cows than people and where the new pizza in the ONE gas station is the talk of fence gossipers.
  

Act II. Scene I.

The curtain opens with AMBER (don’t forget the flip flops), 3 RASCALS, and the RASCALETTE on their way to school in the RED BOMB. Spotlight shines on exaggerated speedometer which is registering just a “teensy” bit over the speed limit through Mayberry. The RASCALS are giggling and chatting. RASCAL #2 hurls a ball across the van. RASCAL #3 hurls a pencil and almost hits the RASCALETTE, who is putting on her makeup, in the head. AMBER is concentrating on driving extra cautiously. She is most certainly NOT texting on Rosie while driving.

Suddenly blue lights flash on a very conspicuous police car parked on Mayberry’s one road.

AMBER: You have got to be kidding me.

RASCAL #1: Not again.
(Note of Interest: Rascal #1 is delusional. He knows not of what he speaks.)

RASCALETTE: (giggling) It’s okay. It happens to my mom, too.
(Note of Interest: Thank, Jesus.)

AMBER pulls over on the side of the road and begins to retrieve her licence, and then looks through the glove box for assundry paper work.

BARNEY FIFE steps majestically out of his squad car. Struts to the RED BOMB.

BARNEY FIFE: (with chest puffed out and voice much deeper than is obviously his own) Ma’am. I’m assuming that you know why I pulled you over to chat today.

AMBER: I’m sure I was speeding.

BARNEY FIFE: You were, Ma’am. You were going 45 miles per hour in a 30. That’s fast, Ma’am.

AMBER: Yes, Sir.

BARNEY FIFE: Where you headed?

AMBER: School, Sir. I work at the high school.

BARNEY FIFE: Oh my. I just pulled over a school teacher.

AMBER: Yes, Sir.

BARNEY FIFE: And I’m assuming your kids are going to school, too. They aren’t gonna tell on ya, are they?

AMBER: Oh, I’m sure they will, Sir.

RASCALS grin at BARNEY FIFE from back seat. RASCAL #2 is now unbuckled, as if daring OFFICER FIFE to not only ticket his mother, but also haul her off to jail for child endangerment.
(Note of Interest: Thanks, Kid.)

BARNEY FIFE: Licence, registration, and insurance.

AMBER hands licence to BARNEY FIFE, but grabs entire handful of papers in glove box because she can't find her registration and insurance.
(Note of Interest: Awesome.)

BARNEY FIFE takes expired paperwork to squad car. AMBER pounds her hands on steering wheel, but does NOT begin to whine.
(Note of Interest: Because I would never whine.)

Time passes with RASCALETTE snickering and 3 RASCALS discussing squad car lights and sirens.

A school bus drives by full of students WAVING and POINTING.
(Note of Interest: Double Awesome.)

BARNEY FIFE comes back, still struttin'. Voice still weirdly deep. Gives back papers.

BARNEY FIFE: Ma’am, I’m gonna let ya go today. No citation. But, Ma’am, please slow down. We’ve had a lot of complaints about people driving too fast through here.
(Note of Interest: Here’s the best part…) I wouldn’t want you to hit a dog.

AMBER: (tries not to laugh at OFFICER FIFE as she musters up a very somber expression)
Yes, Sir.

BARNEY FIFE: Have a good day, Ma'am.

AMBER: You too, Sir. And thank you very much.

BARNEY FIFE struts his stuff back to the Fife-Mobile and pulls out….looking for dogs as he pulls into the NO traffic of Mayberry.

AMBER rolls up window and then laughs. She proceeds to school, waving to BARNEY FIFE as she drives by his squad car.

And she very CAUTIOUSLY watches for dogs the rest of the way to school.


THE END.


Only in Arkansas, I tell ya. Only in Arkansas are our very thorough law enforcement officers more concerned with canine citizens than homo sapian ones.