A Play. Not About Cole Slaw. But Equally Redneck. Written By Me.


  • AMBER – not wearing cute jeans as in previous Act, but wearing equally cute flip flops
  • BARNEY FIFE – small town -- very small town -- police officer who most certainly carries his only bullet in his front pocket
  • 3 RASCALS – tousled hair, sleepers in eyes, and remnants of chocolate poptarts smeared from chin to forehead (the remains of a rushed morning and excellent parenting)
  • 1 RASCALETTE – very beautiful teenage girl who belongs to one of AMBER’S BFFs
  • RED BOMB – minivan that adorns herself frequently in rancid chicken nuggets and sticky bubble gum wrappers under her seats.


  • Mayberry, Arkansas. A town with more cows than people and where the new pizza in the ONE gas station is the talk of fence gossipers.

Act II. Scene I.

The curtain opens with AMBER (don’t forget the flip flops), 3 RASCALS, and the RASCALETTE on their way to school in the RED BOMB. Spotlight shines on exaggerated speedometer which is registering just a “teensy” bit over the speed limit through Mayberry. The RASCALS are giggling and chatting. RASCAL #2 hurls a ball across the van. RASCAL #3 hurls a pencil and almost hits the RASCALETTE, who is putting on her makeup, in the head. AMBER is concentrating on driving extra cautiously. She is most certainly NOT texting on Rosie while driving.

Suddenly blue lights flash on a very conspicuous police car parked on Mayberry’s one road.

AMBER: You have got to be kidding me.

RASCAL #1: Not again.
(Note of Interest: Rascal #1 is delusional. He knows not of what he speaks.)

RASCALETTE: (giggling) It’s okay. It happens to my mom, too.
(Note of Interest: Thank, Jesus.)

AMBER pulls over on the side of the road and begins to retrieve her licence, and then looks through the glove box for assundry paper work.

BARNEY FIFE steps majestically out of his squad car. Struts to the RED BOMB.

BARNEY FIFE: (with chest puffed out and voice much deeper than is obviously his own) Ma’am. I’m assuming that you know why I pulled you over to chat today.

AMBER: I’m sure I was speeding.

BARNEY FIFE: You were, Ma’am. You were going 45 miles per hour in a 30. That’s fast, Ma’am.

AMBER: Yes, Sir.

BARNEY FIFE: Where you headed?

AMBER: School, Sir. I work at the high school.

BARNEY FIFE: Oh my. I just pulled over a school teacher.

AMBER: Yes, Sir.

BARNEY FIFE: And I’m assuming your kids are going to school, too. They aren’t gonna tell on ya, are they?

AMBER: Oh, I’m sure they will, Sir.

RASCALS grin at BARNEY FIFE from back seat. RASCAL #2 is now unbuckled, as if daring OFFICER FIFE to not only ticket his mother, but also haul her off to jail for child endangerment.
(Note of Interest: Thanks, Kid.)

BARNEY FIFE: Licence, registration, and insurance.

AMBER hands licence to BARNEY FIFE, but grabs entire handful of papers in glove box because she can't find her registration and insurance.
(Note of Interest: Awesome.)

BARNEY FIFE takes expired paperwork to squad car. AMBER pounds her hands on steering wheel, but does NOT begin to whine.
(Note of Interest: Because I would never whine.)

Time passes with RASCALETTE snickering and 3 RASCALS discussing squad car lights and sirens.

A school bus drives by full of students WAVING and POINTING.
(Note of Interest: Double Awesome.)

BARNEY FIFE comes back, still struttin'. Voice still weirdly deep. Gives back papers.

BARNEY FIFE: Ma’am, I’m gonna let ya go today. No citation. But, Ma’am, please slow down. We’ve had a lot of complaints about people driving too fast through here.
(Note of Interest: Here’s the best part…) I wouldn’t want you to hit a dog.

AMBER: (tries not to laugh at OFFICER FIFE as she musters up a very somber expression)
Yes, Sir.

BARNEY FIFE: Have a good day, Ma'am.

AMBER: You too, Sir. And thank you very much.

BARNEY FIFE struts his stuff back to the Fife-Mobile and pulls out….looking for dogs as he pulls into the NO traffic of Mayberry.

AMBER rolls up window and then
laughs. She proceeds to school, waving to BARNEY FIFE as she drives by his squad car.

And she very CAUTIOUSLY watches for dogs the rest of the way to school.


Only in Arkansas, I tell ya. Only in Arkansas are our very thorough law enforcement officers more concerned with canine citizens than homo sapian ones.


Carpoolqueen said...

I got pulled over by Barney on my way to SONIC with a friend of mine. My child may or may not have been in his booster seat.

While I'm waiting for him to issue the citation (I was not as fortunate as you), my cell phone rings. Husband says "Where are you?" I instantly decide he doesn't need to know about what is transpiring and so I answer "On my way to Sonic".

He says "Be sure and tell the police officer to have a nice day."

He had also decided to go to Sonic that day.

And take the same route I did.


Stephanie @ My Answered Prayer said...

I'm laughing my head off hear!!!!! Thanks for drying up the tears!

Can't wait for E to read this one!

Carpoolqueen-that's hilarious...that sounds like something that would happen to me!

Tiffani said...

I love your plays!!!!

Soooo glad you didn't get a "citation" (said in my best Fife accent)...

I may or may not have been pulled over on a MAJOR interstate in Atlanta for crossing THREE lanes of traffic, in front of semi, to not miss my exit.

I, however, had really cute braids in my hair from a fun little hike up Stone Mountain. So, IF that actually did happen to me...I bet I wouldn't have gotten a ticket 'cause my hair was so cute.

Elizabeth said...

LOVE IT!!! I have such fond memories of good ole' Arkansas. I miss it.

I won't tell you the drama of my speeding tickets. I'll let the kids tell you someday. They'll tell anyone who will listen.

Stephanie said...

So so funny!

Mich said...

Your life may be many things, but BORING isn't one of them!

Again I am laughing out loud, for I can see your facial expressions as I read.

Too bad you got stuck with Barney and not the guy from Chips! :)

Jim said...

I still say these PLAYS are good material for actual scripting and presentation on stage. No telling how many "common" interactions with people in all walks or "drives" of life could be the subject of a good humerous play.

I can just hear Barney, "Nip it! Nip it! Nip it in the bud! then when he sees this obviously "sorry" school teacher and her "rascals" on their way to school, he calls in to report, saying, "But Ange (nick name for sheriff Andy), I couldn't cause her to be late or bring her in to our maximum security with the kids, you know that it's Otis's benge day and lock-up tonight."

By the way, did he perhaps note on your driver's license your birth date today and "spring you" as a gift? They do those thangs in Mayberry.

Again, Happy Birthday to you.
Love you,

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

This is a scream! I'm going to have my sister read this. She also happens to life in Mayberry Arkansas and would LOVE this!

Aaron said...


Cathy said...

Oh my. My first intro to the life that is Amber and what a doozy it was! Too funny, girl. Too funny. I assume there have been other "plays" that I now must get caught up on???

Glad you liked the boogers over at my place;)

Looks like I have to add another blog to my reading list. Dang it.

Stephanie said...

Y'all crack me up! I was already laughing at the dog story, then CPQ's story. Then, Stephanie's comment with the use of hear instead of here! Sooo funny! Thanks for making my morning gals!

Jennifer said...

Hilarious!!! I can't stop laughing!!

I've been pulled over 5 times...ALL for speeding. Never received a ticket! Did get a warning from a state trooper..who happened to be my cousin-in-law!!

Only in Arkansas!!!

Glo said...

LOLOLOL!!!! I am so laughing right now! You and your dad are the most creative people when it comes to writing things that I have ever known!!! I love it! Steph, poor Steph...getting ragged about spelling "here" wrong.LOL Too funny! I am sorry you got pulled over, not to mention, on your birthday, but I am glad that you didn't get a ticket! Just like your sister said, you are anything BUT boring! Thanks for the laughs, even if it is at your expense!

Gretchen said...

You don't happen to teach drama, do you? For you write a mean play. By mean, I mean swell.

Why is it that I never receive warnings? Hmmm...probably because I don't work at a high school. That's all I can figure, since my car is easily as wrecked as the Bomb. :)

buscher3 said...

I'd prefer small town officers to Dallas, TX ones. At least yours was nice...even if he was overly concerned with dogs. Last one that pulled me over gave me a ticket for going 15 over on a highway that they changed the speed limit by dropping it 10 mph..and then didn't mark it with flags. I thought I was only going 5 over. It was my birthday. So his "niceness"?...after handing me a $200 ticket, says, "Happy Birthday."

Lori Motl said...

Now that's funny! I give that play 2 thumbs way up!