Ask Amber Anything

Isn't my new button the cutest?! My great buddy, Jackie, over at Our Moments, Our Memories made it for me! And I love it! Jackie is getting ready to open up her own blog design business, and I'm so in love with her style. She is my girl for life! Thanks, Jackie!!!

Okay...so new button and all...

Are you ready!? I got all kinds of great, fantastic, and slightly bizarre questions, so hang on to your hats...here we go...

LISA asks:

"Why are you afraid of frogs?" (and then she notes that she is sure there is some frightfully hilarious story behind my phobia)

• Frightful...yes. Hilarious...only if you were there that day watching. Hilarious for me...uh, no. It all started about 10 years ago. In my in-laws' pool. I was lounging comfortably on a raft floating my way to a golden tan. My brand new husband was playing Chicken and Marco Polo with our nieces and nephew, and my brother-in-law was sunning himself beside the pool (because he does stuff like that...he also eats granola and wears Speedos -- don't worry, I'm not being ugly...just speaking truth that EVERYONE in the family knows is accurate!). I must have fallen asleep on my rafty raft of goodness, because I was totally unaware of the conspiracy conspiring against me. Because the next thing I knew, hundreds (Kirk says 30 or 40...but he was one of the conspirators, so trusting him is not an option) of slimy, gooey, ribbiting frogs were dumped on my belly. No joke. They came raining down on me Plague-style. From the 5-gallon bucket that was housing all the hundreds of frogs that had been dipped out of the pool that day. Ick. Gross. Nasty. And totally horrifyingly phobia-inducing. And if you tell any of the jr. high boys that I see everyday about this little frog thing of mine, I'm firing you as a friend.

LISA also asked for me to discuss:

"...marking-to-market a derivatives position."

• First of all...this question came from my smart friend. Second of all...I actually think Lisa might have made a typo. Because every time I look at that phrase, it just doesn't even seem right to me. Anyway...I googled it. If you really want to know something about this smart person question go here. But I know that you are waiting for me to explain this Rascal-Style. So here goes. The key word in that phrase is MARKET. And I heart a good market. Especially a flip-flop market. Or a market that promotes jellybean consumption. As far as marking-to-a-market, I'm thinking that would involve someone with a pink (of course!) Sharpie creating mah-va-lus Elle Woods-esque graffiti masterpieces all over said flip-flop market. And then when they are arrested for charges including Pinktabulous Destruction of Property, they are hauled off to the flip-flop slammer where they must assume the derivatives' position.

CARPOOLQUEEN asks:

"What apps have you downloaded for Rosie?"

• To be honest, Rosie and I haven't spent just a hugacious amount of time app shopping. We spend most of our time on FaceBook (an app, BTW!) and emailing our peeps. But, I do have a few apps....all of which are free....so far. As Rosie and I become better acquainted, then maybe I will trust her to house my $4.99 game of Tetris, but for now...free it is. So, like I said, I have FACEBOOK. And I also have THE WEATHER CHANNEL, because I'm dorky like that. And I have a SHOPPING LIST, a TO-DO LIST, and a TIP CALCULATOR. How boring is this....geez. I also have a nifty app that turns Rosie into a LIGHTSABER which is just good rascally fun, and I also have PAC MAN. Because I heart PAC MAN...even though I stink at it. SUDOKU is sitting pretty on Rosie, as is FLUID. And then there is TEXAS HOLD 'EM POKER...for the husband. Oh...and then I have PANDORA...my radio-like Google. I punch in Lady Gaga, and Rosie finds "Pokerface." Even if "Pokerface" is playing in Florida. I know. Awesome.

MY SISTER, MICH asks:

"What do you want for your birthday?" and "What can I get Tate?"

• (This is how my sister and I do business. We give each other our gifts at least 6 months later than our actual birthdays. So, her asking about gifts to purchase for May birthdays in the month of MAY is an actual miracle. So...woo hoo, Mich!) Let's see...what do I want for my birthday?! Jewelry is good. That cute shirt from Old Navy that I've had my eye on is good. A date to see a girl movie with my favorite sister would be the best!


• As far as Tate goes....Handy Manny is king. We're all about some talking wrenches and hammers around our house.

BECCA asks:

"Do you get your zany sense of humor from your mom or your dad?"

• My mom, bless her heart, is funny. She just doesn't know she's funny. She's not funny-ha-ha, but she is funny-sweet-and-cute. Not so much my style. My dad is pun-larious. Or at least he thinks so. I've been elbow-jabbed by him so many times in my life while he is saying, "Didjagetit?" that my ribs are permanently bruised. I love him to death, so when I say my dad's sense of humor is just corny and goofy...then I mean it with all kinds of good stuff floating his way. I'm probably a lot corny, but I think I'm a little more sarcastic. And end the day with a good dose of sass. And, really, I don't think I'm funny. When you guys say that about me, honestly, I don't get it. Because I was never the class clown, and I'm not the life of a party. I just tend to call things as I see 'em. And I just happen to always be right.

TIFFANI asks:

"Are you done with Rascals or could there be more in the future?"

• Oh, dear Tiff. The husband is leering over my shoulder practically writing this answer for me. His answer, "DONE. FINISHED. CAPUT. NO MORE RASCALS FOR YOU." And he so thoughtfully sealed the deal when he underwent a traumatic male procedure when our Tater Tot was a mere 6 weeks old.

"How long did you live in Asia with your family, and do you speak another language?"

• Our family moved to Bangladesh when I was 5 years old, in 1982. Totally falling into that whole kids-can-learn-a-language-better-than-grownups thing, I soon became fluent in Bangla. My parents say that I even helped them get through language school. Now...I look all kinds of confused when my dad starts speaking Bengali to me. Don't remember any of it....except how to say "Hello." And "Peace." Because Shanti ("peace") was the name of our mangey mutt that eventually was sent to live in a village. Because he wasn't Shanti-ish...at all. In 1986, we moved to Bangkok, Thailand, and stayed there until 1991. I went to an English speaking school, and my dad pastored an English speaking church. The only Thai I had to know was enough to order chicken fried rice from a street vendor or to give my address to a taxi driver. So, now...the only other language I speak is Arkanese... because we got a whole other thing going on down here.

"Who is the best, funniest, sweetest, Adam-lovin'est blogger friend you have????"

• My heart cries for you, my dear Tiffani. Because you are still under the influence of Glambert. But, I still heart you. Oh so very mucho much.

LORI asks:

"What do you teach at the ol' high school?"

• I work in the Special Ed. department at ye ol' high school. I have the pleasure of hanging out with some really, really cool kids all day. And then there is lunch duty. Where I spend the longest 30 minutes of my day pondering what exactly Whatchamacallit eating me would really do if two 170 pound Mayberry boys decided to thrust their fists in each other's faces. Good times.

"If you could be an ice cream sundae topping, what would you be and why?"

• Nuts. 'Nuff said.

MEREDITH asks:

"How much moola did you make at your recent garage sale?"

• Enough to buy several dinners out for the rascals (cole slaw dinner being one of them!). A cute pair of shoes. A cute pair of jeans. And a thing of deodorant. Oh...and I paid the cafeteria lady for several fish sticks and some sloppy joes...because I was a teensy bit late on the ole lunch bill.

"Who ya votin' for on Idol next week?"

• Much to Tiffani's chagrin, my devotion to Danny has been hardcore right up until that dreadful moment last Wednesday night when Ryan Secreast, with his perky hair, crushed America's dreams of their Idol being the one who wears awesome glasses. So now my attention is on Kris. And that song he did by Kanye...oh my stars. All the love floating straight his way now, baby. I still find Adam entirely annoying, and I've decided that what might just frustrate me more than anything is that he applies his eyeliner better than I do.

SPROCKET asks:

"Which do you do first: wake up or open your eyes?"

• Hard core stuff, right there, Sprocket. And I'll have you know that I've pondered this long and hard. I even have tried to make a mental note to remember which I do first in the mornings. But, zombie-mush-for-brain wouldn't allow it. So frankly, my dear...I have no ever-lovin' idea. I'll say that I open my eyes first, because I'm pretty sure that waking up doesn't occur until after my third cup of coffee.

GRETCHEN wants to know:

"Do you watch any daytime dramas?"

• I used to watch Days of Our Lives, but then they got all ghosty and weird. So then I changed to Guiding Light...mainly because I got super-absorbed in the love triangle of Josh, Reba, and Reba's sister, Cassie. But, then the writers forgot to ask my opinion on the way the storyline should go, so I am now boycotting. And I just heard that they are taking that show off the air. Serves 'em right. They should have asked me. So, now the only daytime drama I watch are the people who cry on their video diaries about how terrible it is to spend $5000 of someone else's money to buy an entirely new wardrobe in New York City.

JENNIFER asks:

"Does Kirk have a sense of humor like you, and have any of the rascals developed that sense of humor yet?"

• I'm actually surprised that Kirk and I have any friends.


• As for the rascals...jury is still out. Their humor still revolves around bodily functions and chickens crossing highways....which I actually find terribly funny. Sad. So sad.

GLO asks:

"What is your favorite food to eat?"

• If it involves a bread, a noodle, a cheese, or a potato...I'm all over it. Or chocolate. Or jellybeans. Or ice cream. Or anything else that is referred to as "garbage" by my now-health-conscious circle of friends.

MIMI wants to know:

"Have you ever lived on the East Coast?"

• Other than that 10 year stint in Asia, I'm a Southern girl. Arkansas and southern Missouri for me...but, New York City is #1 on my list of places I want to visit....does that count?!

STEPHANIE asks:

"You do know that swimsuit season is coming up don't you!?!?"

• I'm known as the "Enabler" to all my now-carrot-stick-eating-friends. Steph is referring to my addiction to eating bowls of Reese's Pieces for dinner. In answer to her question....yes, I know it is swimsuit season. And yes, I've decided that I'm secure enough in our friendship, Stephanie, to know that you won't fire me just because I have a muffin top. Ooooh...muffins! Sounds yummy.

"Have you done that thing that I told you to do?"

• No. I haven't. But I think you have cute shoes....does that make it better, Steph?

MANDY asks:

"You once told me you named your Sawyer after a character in a book you were reading. What was the book?"

• Oh, how I wish it could have been after some hunky Civil War soldier, or even better...a vampire!! But, alas, Sawyer's name was found on page 286 of The Baby Name Book.

And then, last but certainly not least, there is JIM-DAD who says:

"I don't really have a question - why don't you give me an ANSWER, AND I'LL GIVE YOU A QUESTION FOR IT?"

• Okay, Jim-Dad..........twelvity hundred Siamese cats wearing lavender tutus in a bucket of coal tar with the smell of lemons in the air.

Thanks for playing ASK AMBER ANYTHING! Be thinking of your next questions, because with such a cute button, there will most certainly have to be another installment!!

Oh...and my sincerest apologies for the hijacking of the blog by a boy yesterday. Don't worry. I Lysoled the place really well before you came over...just to make sure that all the cooties were out of the air.