5.07.2009

A Play. About Cole Slaw. Written By Me.

Characters:

  • AMBER (Looks very similar to author of this blog. Acts like her, too.)
  • LADY that works at well-known chicken establishment that rhymes with "Fentucky Cried Ficken."

Setting:

  • Local well-known chicken establishment prominently displaying a sign that advertises a "SPECIAL" of numerous pieces of chicken, mashed taters, cole slaw, and bisquits.
  • Tonight...2 hours past dinner...thanks to a thrilling evening at the baseball fields where the children sloshed in the mud through the entire game, resulting in a truckload of sweaty, muddy boys who are growling for food.

Act 1. Scene 1.

AMBER enters chicken establishment wearing very cute, new pair of jeans that she purchased today as part of her retail therapy plan. She very sweetly sidles up to the counter where a very pleasant LADY is waiting to take her order. Pleasantries are exchanged and then AMBER proceeds to check out the menu options. After studying the various options, AMBER looks LADY in eye, smiles, and begins to order.

AMBER: I have a truckload of hungry men in the car. I'll take the Special.

LADY: Will that be all?

AMBER: I would like to trade the cole slaw for macaroni-and-cheese, please.

LADY: We can't do that.

AMBER: I'm sorry. I thought you just said you couldn't do that?

LADY: That's right. It's on special. No substitutions.

AMBER: (Fidgets in cute new jeans. Looks confused....because she is.) Huh?

LADY: It's on special. We can't switch out the sides.

AMBER: (Chooses not to argue, because she is nonconfrontational...remember?!) Okay, then. I'll just pay you what ever the extra will be to switch out the cole slaw for mac-n-cheese.

LADY: We can't do that. You have to have the cole slaw.

AMBER: (Looks at LADY like she has done lost her ever lovin' mind.) We won't eat it.

LADY: I'm sorry. You'll have to take it if you want the special.

AMBER: I want the special. But no cole slaw. Thanks.

LADY: So what do you want?

AMBER: (Stunned that there might possibly be someone slower than her to catch on in this world.) Uh...I want the special. No cole slaw. Add mac-n-cheese.

LADY: I can't switch the cole slaw.

AMBER: I understand. Just give me the special. Add a thing of mac-n-cheese. Keep your cole slaw.

LADY: You have to have the cole slaw.

AMBER: I'm tellin' you. We won't eat it.

LADY: But it comes with the special.

AMBER: (Palms sweating now because conversation is heating up to confrontational proportions.) Just give me the special. I'll pay for the cole slaw. I'll pay for the mac-n-cheese. I'll pay for whatever you want me to. Just don't put the cole slaw in my bag or else I will gag when I see it.

LADY: So you don't want the cole slaw? Why didn't you just say so?



THE END.


Colonel Danders would be proud.

21 comments:

snoodlings.com said...

That shouldn't have happened at Fentucky Cried Ficken! I've seen their commercials! They have a chef!

Anne said...

*Hearty round of applause*

What would've really been funny was if the cole slaw got accidently put in the bag after all;).

Jessica said...

Wow. That was almost Laurel and Hardy-ish.

Carpoolqueen said...

I think you ought to print and mail it in to the Col. I bet you get a coupon for whatever your hungry boys desire.

I would have eaten the cole slaw for you if they had stuck it in the bag. I'm friendly that way.

Jim said...

Amb,
Obviously, the key to understanding this particular pleasant lady at Fentucky Cried Ficken is found in several important clues. First, the star of the play entered wearing a new pair of jeans which every pleasant Fentucky lady is taught from early childhood are only worn by the most cultured and figure conscious women. Though taught to give the customer exactly what is ordered, her respect for the status of the beautiful woman she faced across the ccounter caused a conflict with those rules of service when mac-n-cheese was mentioned over cold slaw. Her Fentucky knowledge of the dietary habits of such an individaul caused her protective instincts to "kick in", resulting in desperate attempt to dissuade an order of Mac-n-cheese, the well-known food of rascals. The second clue was the mention of hungry men, which every self-respecting Fentucky pleasant lady knows does not equal Mac-n-cheese. Finally, Fentucky Cried Ficken is well known for their corner on the cabbage market, for their true business principle is based upon the slogan "eat heathly, go cabbage" - the ficken, nashed taters, and M-n-C are only side orders to draw the customers to their specialty. Yes, Fentucky Cried Ficken pleaant ladies are committed to their task.

I hope this helps you in "stepping into the character" of the star, which I believe you are!

Loved your play. Could be a Broadway smash!

Love you.
Dad

Mich said...

I am laughing out loud!

It was funny written down, but since I know you so well I could imagine the scene and all your facial expressions with it!

I'm still rollin'...

I so HEART you!

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

Hysterical.

My last encounter with cole slaw was memorable. And not in a good way either. Blech.

Jennifer said...

Whew! It did take her a while, didn't it?!

Glo said...

LOL!!! How funny! I use to work there a very long time ago, and they just don't budge from their particular specials. The owner is the problem! We had to charge people 25 cents for an extra thing of sauce for chicken nuggets. You can't get anything free at that place! Sorry for all the trouble they cause. I don't live there, I just USE to work there.LOL All I gained from that place was weight!

Christi said...

Too funny...sitting here by myself laughing out loud! :)

Stephanie @ My Answered Prayer said...

I sat there for 5 mins the other night looking at the menu trying to find the grilled chicken and figure out what to order for everyone else....Asked about the grilled chicken b/c I couldn't find it on the menu and guess what....they didn't have it...ugh!

So much for eating out Sunday at FCF...no grilled chicken...no big group of 15!

Jim said...

Amb,
Where's ACT II?
Dad

Jim said...

Amb,
And ACT III?
Dad

Tiffani said...

BRAVA! BRAVA! BRAVA!

Review from Mrs. Critic (a world renowned play attender known for being tough to please):

As I entered the "auditorium", I was a little put off by the smell, but my eyes and nose were quickly averted when Amber, the main character, enters the stage. She walked with such presence and sureity. She showed tenacity and heart in her dialogue and kept us on the edge of our velveted seats wondering if she would INDEED accept the cole slaw or not. The other characters were a bit dismal in comparison to the lead but added a quality to make the show a cohesive front that made the audience laugh and cry...the costume design was flawless and this hard to please critic will highly anticipate the next installment from this amazing playwright...well done."

Jim said...

I'm with Tiffani on this one! Can't wait!
Dad

lisa@littlesliceoflife said...

ROTFLMBO!!!!!

This is why I heart you, my friend!

Gretchen said...

Oh, mercy.

Let me be clear: You are a stronger, more patient, more godly woman than I.

I do not face stupidity well.

I try...I really do.

But...I think I'd have developed a twitch by the time Act 1 finished.

Brava, indeed!

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Oh. my. goodness. Words are failing me at this instant.

I am pretty much the most non-confrontational person in the world, so I dread stuff like this. BUT in the face of such a situation, I think I would have completely lost my cool. So, way to go in keeping it together!

Your dad's comments always make me laugh. :)

Kendra said...

I'll eat your cole slaw. I LOVE FCF cole slaw! Can you believe ours ran out of it the other night when we got some? I almost cried because I didn't get my long anticipated cole slaw!

Lori Motl said...

I can't wait for the movie rights to sell! I can see it now. The lead played by...hmmmm...maybe Jennifer Garner, I want to say Meg Ryan, but it would be the younger Meg Ryan, or Clair Danes? The LADY played by...the girl with too much makeup from Drew Carey. It could be a blockbuster!

Mich said...

The lead needs to be played by Reese witherspoon. Kevin says Amb has always reminded him of her.

Sis, Dad really liked this post. He was bragging to me on the phone about it. Sermon material? In patience, maybe? Or maybe just his opening funny story?

Of course I am still rollin' in laughter...