6.25.2009

A Play....About Peanut Butter and People Who Wish They Were Smart

Characters:


  • Amber -- dressed in swimsuit and swimsuit coverup...not usual shopping attire, but obviously in a picnic pinch, so swimsuit it was.
  • Mrs. WalMart -- a very respectable older woman dressed in her Wally World blues and vest inviting me to ask her to help me
  • 3 Rascals -- dressed in swim trunks (good thing or Amber would look really out of place)
Setting:
  • Local WalMart establishment; Express CheckOut Lane

ACT IV. Scene I.

The curtain opens with Amber and Rascals standing in checkout line at WalMart. Rascal #1 is holding a bottle of honey (picnic necessity for PB/Honey sandwiches). Rascal #2 is holding a PEOPLE magazine (lounging necessity for a mother who is taking her children to the lake). Rascal #3 is holding this:

(No. Your eyes do not deceive you. That is a 6 lb. jug of peanut butter.)

As the very nice man in red suspenders finishes up his transaction in front of Amber and her brood, Amber is busy swatting hands from the M&Ms and Pez Dispensers. As the suspenders push their buggy away, Amber ushers her clan forward, and the Rascals place their items on the counter.


AMBER: (smiling sweetly to Mrs. WalMart) Hello.

MRS. WALMART: (smiling sweetly back) Hello. These all yours? (motions to the Rascals who are still suffering from bedhead and who have gone back to putting their grabbers on the candy)

AMBER: (smiling because she is only asked this question eleventy hundred times each five minutes) Yes, Ma'am.

MRS. WALMART: (grabs honey and magazine, checks them, and places them in a bag, then picks up peanut butter) Wow. I have never seen peanut butter this huge before.

AMBER: It is large, isn't it? But it is worth it for these 3.

MRS. WALMART: (checks peanut butter and bags it) Did you get it at our store?


This moment of not-so-smart-people moments is brought to you by Peter Pan Peanut Butter...which was, shockingly enough, purchased at Mrs. WalMart's store.

16 comments:

Jim said...

Amb,
My first thought was, "What's your sign?" The second, "Are you going to eat all of it, and without bread or crackers?" My third, "Hand me a big spoon!"

Your Peanut.Butter.Loving.Honey.of.a...
Jim-Dad

Mich said...

Giggle.

Tiffani said...

Ahhh, your plays are MY FAVE and totally make you my Junie B.! This is perhaps a fave play so far! Really? She said that?!

I guess I would've known this story already if you'd've been able to get a word in edgewise as I dug sticky Karo syrup bottles out of the back 40 of the pantry and droned on and on about Mortgage Man #1 and house #53. I'll do better next time, promise. But, hey, you got an uninterrupted dinner...my treat, you're welcome.

Jennifer said...

Second time today you made me snort!!

Gotta love those Wal-Mart worker people!! LOL!!

Kendra said...

You don't have to be a genius to work at WalMart. Obviously.

I'm with your dad: Here's your sign, lady.

Andrea said...

Your story reminds me of a time when I went to a discount shoe store with TONS of shoes but didn't find what I was looking for. On my way out - empty handed - the guy at the counter asked me if I found everything I needed. Huh? Sure, buddy.

Carpoolqueen said...

Oh, that's rich. My children would not have been at the M&M dispenser....they would have been all up around the man checking out in front of us. Because if we're in line, that MUST mean it's our turn to stand in front of the cashier and ask her questions.

buscher3 said...

"Here's your sign". That was my first thought after I stopped laughing...which I see your dad had the same thought.

Inside I would have been saying, "No ma'am, I just have a habit of carrying around peanut butter in large quantities. You never know when you might want a finger lickin' snack!"

mimi said...

laughing.out.loud.

I was at Walmart last night....most of the patrons are sporting bathing suits/cover-ups. It's a Walmart phenomenon. I felt out of place in my knee shorts and tee shirt. Oh the things that could be dipped in that pb...pretzels, chocolate chips, spoons...

Jessica said...

bahhhhahahahaha! I'm going to the lovely establishment in a few minutes, I can only hope I will have such a smarty as a checkout lady

Nina Diane said...

laughed out loud....at work....now everyone is looking at me. Guess they think I will be emailing them a joke soon....

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

How did you not bust out laughing at that lady?

OMG, so funny.

I LOVE that you call your cart a buggy. People look at me weird when I call it that, but that's all it is to me.

Gretchen said...

Our Wallyworlds also substitute for carnivals, in a pinch.

Emily said...

Wow. Just wow. :)

Lemonade Girl said...

So Funny! I've come up with all kinds of responses but want to know what you said to her. Of course such may just require the polite smile and nod.

Jean's Blessings said...

Thank you for making my night! I stumbled on your blog and read this and oh-my-goodness! Walmart employees are that way in IN too!