8.24.2008

Gotcha, God...Lesson Learned

Call me "The Great Pretender." Or maybe it is "The Great Fooler."

Apparently there is something about me that leads people to believe that I'm nothing but sugar and spice and everything nice. If I had a quarter for every time I've heard stuff like, "You look so sweet" and "You're just the sweetest," then I'd be a very wealthy "sweet" person.

Now I'm not going to say that I don't enjoy those compliments or that I'm not entirely sweet, I just have to swallow a giggle or two back when I hear things like that. Because (and all you have to do is ask my husband to confirm it) I'm nothing but a control freak. I'm really a closet freak, but still a freak.

I'm not one to run around barking orders or to wear all of my disapprovals on my sleeve, but my insides churn when things don't go my way or when I can't be the one in charge. Not that I want to be the leader; I don't. I just want the leader to do it my way. (Wow, as I look at what I just typed, it looks more like I'm a psychopath masquerading as a control freak...possible therapy needed.)

Well, God has decided that it's time to teach me a thing or two about being in control...basically, that I don't get to be! See, I've taken this new job as a teacher's aide. I have known from Day 1 that this whole entire process of changing schools and taking a new job was God led. I didn't necessarily understand it, but knew that it was completely and 100% His Will. Although I'm sure that there are a host of other reasons why God has led us to this place, I know one of them...it is to teach me to relinquish control.

Relinquish control....big words....I learned them this morning in my devotional. Prefect God-ordained timing.

See, I've really struggled this week. I've spent the week an exhausted mess, blaming a lot of my haphazard emotions on new job stress and new-kid-on-the-block growing pains. All the while knowing exactly why I was coming home feeling "blah." It was because I wasn't in control. It is so hard to go from being in total control of your own classroom (which I've had for longer than my kids have been alive) to doing things someone else's way. I love the classroom teacher that I'm with, but she just does things differently than me. She has a different teaching style and a different outlook on things. Not that hers is bad. It's just not mine. So, I've been confined to teaching things that she gives me her way. I've been given responsibilities, but I have to do them someone else's way. And I have wanted to scream all week. Please don't take it wrong. I love my new school. I love my new job. I love the people. But, I have had the hardest time not being able to do things the way that I would do them.

This weekend I found myself arguing with the Lord. It went something like this:

"God, you know my gifts. You know my personality. Why did you put me here where I feel like I can't even be myself."
Silence.
"God, please put me somewhere where I feel like I can do things my way."
Silence.
"Hello. God. I can't make it through this year if I can't do things the way I like to do them. It is too hard for me."
More Silence.

The silence was really beginning to irritate me because it only pointed to the clock that was ticking away the seconds to Monday morning when I would have to go to school and not be in control...again. I cried a little and hollered a lot. Only to come to my own conclusion...I can't do it. I would be miserable if I had to stay in this position all year. My nerves wouldn't be able to take it. Thoughts of quitting were running through my mind.

Then comes Sunday Morning.

I woke up early this morning and grabbed my Bible for a few minutes of devotion before beginning the hurried rush of getting ready for church. There was a devotional book on the shelf that I hadn't read out of in, literally, years. It was God that made me grab that book this morning instead of my normal book that I study from. The book was marked with a book mark from the last time I had read from it, so I decided to just start from there...what I found was a
total God thing.

The author wrote through a bit of humor and some quaint little anecdotes about relinquishing control. That we should be willing to "give more" and "demand less." I chuckled in the direction of Heaven as I read, shaking my head while whispering to God, "Okay, I'm listening." The author ended with a few notes that left me on my face in prayer begging the Lord for forgiveness and the ability to change. This is what it said:

"May we be enabled to do more letting go and less holding on. May we simply yield to the Lord's sweet spirit of generosity and in so doing relinquish the part of us that fears not being in control. May we allow the Lord to take the reins from our grasping grip and teach us to rest in the release."

So, I've decided to let it go. I'm in a teachable period of my life right now, and instead of sulling up and pouting about not getting my way, I'm going to try with all my might to let go and allow myself to be taught. I don't have to be in control. I can let other people have good ideas and try them out without huffing and puffing under my breath.

I'm looking at Monday now as a new day. Hoping that God blesses me with the grace to make it through the day with a good attitude.

So although I don't know all of the reasons that God has led my family into this new chapter of our lifestory, I do know one. And it is that He couldn't' teach me this particular lesson without getting me out of my comfort zone.

I'm just hoping that I can learn the lesson fast enough that He will put me back where I'm comfy really soon!

3 comments:

Mich said...

You are not alone...it runs in the family, we are all "closet" controlers!
I love you! i hope you have a great week depending on God.

Stephanie said...

I'll be praying for you this week!

Amy Fulmer said...

From one control freak to another, I can't imagine how hard that would be. I am blessed to have a GREAT paraprofessional in my room, and I often think of how hard it is for her to follow my lead. Just keep faith-your talents won't be wasted!