Unstable.
Shaky.
Not altogether.
Just how I've been feeling lately.
And not like going-to-do-something-crazy-like-chop-up-my-bathtub-and-sell-it-for-necklaces unstable. Just not feeling all there unstable. Kinda haphazard. Wondering around in a stupor. Just weird.
And I'm not sure why.
I'm happy.
I'm blessed with an amazing hardworking husband. And our marriage is at the best place it's ever been.
I have great kids. Like amazing terrific wonderful kids. They bug the snot out of my sometimes, but there is no place I'd rather be then home with them every day. So incredibly blessed.
I have a roof over my family's head. We have electricity. And water. And toys. And clothes. And food in our fridge. And a dishwasher. And a washing machine. And a shower that works. And vehicles that run. And. And. And.
I'm healthy. Excluding this whole poison ivy ordeal, our family has been crazily healthy. This time of year we usually frequent the doctor's office more often than we do Walmart, so that we have even been able to escape the wrath of all the pig flues, cow flues, and every other flu is really a miracle.
I have amazing friends. An amazing church. An amazing extended family and in-law family.
I'm really super blessed.
But, yet, I still feel blah.
It frustrates me when I get like this. When I'd rather sleep the days away than get up long enough to cook my kids a hot breakfast. When I'd rather watch reruns of Dr. Phil than do the laundry.
It bothers me.
Because I KNOW that I'm just flitting from one thing to the next, not really doing anything well. I KNOW that I'm letting the ball drop on some things. I KNOW that I'm trading joy for blahness.
So if I KNOW it, why can't I get out of the rut? Why don't I just MAKE myself?
Well...this is what I've discovered....
I HAVE NO IDEA!
So, I decided that it was bigger than me. That if I KNEW it was a problem and was still making a choice to not do anything about it, then it was bigger than me and my very small brain. So I did something about it.
I had me a little chat.
With Jesus.
And He and I made a deal this morning.
That I was just going to let Him handle me, and I was going to let Him.
So. What does that look like? I don't really know. But, I do know that I'm just going to trust Him to hold up His end of the deal.
And I'm going to hold up mine.
10.16.2009
Wheelin' and Dealin'
Labels: Trying to Figure Myself Out
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11 comments:
I hear ya.
Love you, girl.
You know I SO understand this!
You're right...He's got your back.;)
I think it's a place that is familiar to many mothers...myself especially.
If we didn't get to those places we just may not call on our sweet Lord and I love how He just scoops us up and does His thing...but you're right about this: we gotta keep our end too...
Love you more than Blue Box for dinner w/ mint chocolate chip for dessert!!
Tiffani took the words right out of my keyboard. Hugs to you.
i.get.it. xxxooo
Love you more than words...
and I pray for you daily.
Amb,
You know what, daughter? I find myself running in circles at times, too. One of the big questions I have is "Am I making a difference along the paths that I daily walk?" Sometimes the "pity party" is easy to organize. It should be, because only one is invited to attend! You did the right thing is opening the guests up to the MAIN ONE. Now HE KNOWS how to throw a real party - for two or a million zillion or as you say - a gazillion! Isn't it nice to know we've special invitations to it that don't get revoked?
Keep lookin' UP!
Love you,
Jim-Dad
Going to the Lord for that chat..the best thing to do.
May I suggest too...check your vitamin D levels(blood test through DR). I had been feeling the same way...along with dizzy/fainting, exhaustion, heart racing...turns out my D levels are super duper low. You just never know :)
Sometimes when I'm going through those times, it's when God's trying to tell me that it's time for change. You're going to the right place.
As I was reading your post, my thoughts kept going to "the only thing that takes the blahs away is Jesus." And I loved it when you got there in the end. :)
A couple of possibilities:
1. You are pregnant
2. The shot for the poison ivy DOES have side affects. Trust me, I know from experience.
You're doing the right thing: being honest about your feelings and takin' it to Jesus
Hang in there girl!
I know this feeling well. Nothing makes a difference like simply (or maybe not-so-simply) taking it to the Lord. He'll guide you. He already is.
And He may use Vitamin D or a little hormone cream to help:) Or maybe that's just me.
I want to know more about your visit to Oklahoma. Did you wave at me from I-40?
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