This Blog Post Is Not So Pretty....

I took the day for myself. I needed it.

I've not been myself lately, and I made a deal with myself last night, while the rest of my house was sleeping, that I can't fix it on my own.

I've cried way too many tears and lost way too many hours of sleep. I've had mood swings that are painful for not only me, but the precious men in my family. I've said things I don't mean, and acted in ways that are totally out of character for me. I've been ridden with guilt over things that I can't even pinpoint and have lived with a racing pulse for longer than I can remember.

I went to work and talked to my trusted friend about taking the day off to get some help. I really was at the point this morning that I felt like I couldn't go another day. I dropped the boys off at their classes and called for an appointment with my doctor. The appointment wasn't for a couple of hours, but I decided to do something that I've never done before.

I went to the park.

I decided that going home to laundry and scattered toys would make me all the more exhausted, so I chose to spend the few hours before my appointment just doing something for myself. In my past life (read: yesterday), I would have gone shopping and spent money that I don't have. Today I decided to go sit at the park and read my book. It was too cold to sit on a bench a read, so I stayed in the car, but still....it was the most peaceful that I have been in a long time.

When it was time for my appointment, I made the short trip to the clinic from my haven at the park. It wasn't that long of a wait, and my doctor was in the room. I struggle with admitting inadequacy, and the actual conversation with her about what was going was much harder than the one I had had with myself last night and this morning in the shower. But, I couldn't have asked for a better support system at that second. I don't really know her personally, but we know the same people, but sitting there talking to her....I felt like I was talking to my best friend. She looked me in the eye. She listened until I was finished. And she never once made me feel like I was crazy or a bad mom. Then she offered me help.

And I took it.

I left her office and headed to the pharmacy to have my prescription filled. I've been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds before, when I suffered from a short-term bout of postpartum after I had Tate. The meds made a world of difference, and I have been an advocate for them since then....if you are in real need of them. There are people out there (and I totally get that some of you may not be in agreement with me here, and I'm okay with that) who believe that they can get through it on their own. I've tried that route.....and I easily admit that I'm not strong enough for it. I end up compounding my depression issues by heaping on failure.

When I got back to my car with that bottle of little pills inside, I lost it. I cried because I felt relief. Like I held my lifeline in my hand. I had been told that it would take a few weeks for the meds to take total effect, but just knowing that help had arrived relieved so many emotions that I'd been clinging to. My prayers had been answered, and I knew that God had sent the help that I needed.

I called and asked Kirk if he wanted to take me lunch, and he agreed. But, it would be about an hour before he could get away from work....so I went back to my haven to wait. I snuggled back up and read at the park. I think it is my new favorite place to go when I'm alone....it truly was excellent therapy for me.

I ate a great lunch and shared the events of the day with my sweetie. He is so super supportive and was glad that I had found some help. He probably is grateful that my crazy mood swings are about to be taken care of! *wink*

After lunch, I had a few hours before I needed to wait in the carpool line at school. I was so very tempted to go back to the park and hang out with Edward and Bella (just typing that makes me smile!), but I was drained. So I headed to the house and took the best nap I've had in a very long time. Talk about great medicine!

This evening has been okay. I'm frustrated with all the housework I need to do, but I'm trying really hard to keep myself in check. I want so badly to give my kids their mom back and be the wife to Kirk that he deserves. I'm tired of pretending that I have it all together when I don't, and I'm ready to just be me again.

I'm on my way back.