2.07.2009

Hard to Admit Realness

I'm debating on how honest to be right now. I feel a lot of pressure to keep this blog upbeat and fun, but I'm not feeling really upbeat and fun right now. But, I feel a real need to be authentic and genuine.

So I've started this post 14 and 1 times. I've tried to blog about something cute my kids did and deleted it. I tried blogging about me buying green M&Ms yesterday and deleted it. I tried blogging about all my dirty laundry and the monster that lives in my dryer but deleted it. I have even shut my computer and said, "Not today."

But, I'm back. Because I've decided that not all blogs have to be happy all the time. That being real people in real marriages with real jobs with real kids is, well, real. And real isn't happy all the time.

I'm a mom. A really real mom. I love my kids from the stars and back, and find myself in awe that God would find me worthy enough to entrust these angels to me. I love tickle parties, bedtime prayers, and snuggling. But I yell, I scream, and I lose my temper more than I should. In fact, I made Keaton cry night before last. Talk about a knife to the heart. I went to bed that night praying that I hadn't crushed his spirit. I woke him up to ask his forgiveness. I held him while we both cried some more.

I'm a wife. A really real wife. I love to be romanced and get aggravated when I'm not. I say things I don't mean and can make myself crazy by letting thoughts run wild in my head. I've imagined my life without my husband, but can't imagine my life without him in the very same moment. I've cried myself to sleep many a night for him, and laughed till I've cried with him.
At the end of the day, I can't believe how lucky I am. I'm certainly undeserving.

I'm a child of God. I've run and hid from my Father more times than I've run to Him. I have a strong desire to be in step with the Word, but am okay with admitting that I don't get it right most of the time. I rest easy in the knowledge that He loves me anyway. His love is the most perfect love that I've ever known.

I'm a friend. I don't return phone calls like I should and am a terrible hostess. In fact, I'm not a hostess. Hostessing makes me break out in a cold sweat. I love that I have friends that fill that role for me, but have left feeling like scum because I don't ever reciprocate. I love to laugh and love to cry with my friends. I like to know their secrets and like them to know mine. I'm so blessed to have real friends with real problems and real hurts. Because we're real....we work.

I'm guilty of being lazy. I watch way too much tv and spend way too much time on the computer. I have walked past a sticky koolaide spot on the kitchen floor to watch The Bachelor, and I have left clothes in the washer until they stink because I was busy on FaceBook. I've also rewashed that same load of clothes 2 or 3 times for that same reason. I've turned cartoons on in one room for my kids and watched my shows in another room, And then have cried myself to sleep for not spending enough time with my boys.

I'm an approval seeker. I've shopped for certain clothes with others' reactions in mind. I've bought shoes because someone else said I should. I've cut my hair to be like someone else, and I've recut my hair to be like someone else. I've said things and held my tongue all with others in mind. I've succumbed to peer pressure more times than I can count, and have made decisions in my life for people that now I can't even remember their names. I have a terrible time saying "No," but a remarkably easy time being a doormat. I've wondered what it would be like to be one who didn't care what other people think. Don't ever see myself there.


I could sit here all day. I could tell you about how I'm a non-decision maker, a hypochondriac, and a girl who lets fear rule a huge chunk of her life. But not today. This was enough soul-searching for one day.

I'm real. Very real. Pathetically real. Amazingly real.

With that off my chest, I'm ready to go start my very real day. Hoping for happy.

13 comments:

Stephanie @ My Answered Prayer said...

Your my REAL friend and i love you!

Hope you have a great day!

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

I love this post...if only everyone could lay it out there like that. Maybe not a question of "could" but rather, WOULD.

I'm finding myself frustrated with the whole blogging thing lately. It just seems like a place that invites one to put their best face forward and mask the real stuff. I'm still pondering that...

Marc and Charity said...

I love this post! :) I especially liked the walking past the koolaid spot on the floor...I've been riddled with guilt over how often I don't mop- all our downstairs is hardwood floors or laminate and all upstairs is carpet. Now I love to vaccum for some strange reason, it gives me great satisfaction. But sweeping and mopping- gag! So I put if off and off and off until I get mad that no one else has done it! Ha.

And there is the breakfast guilt- my girls love cold cereal. SO why should I feel bad about letting them have it almost every day? I try to cook other things for them, but even once I made banana muffins and they wanted cereal?!? What the heck.

I've not been a nice mommy lately. Hormones? maybe. But fear and other things that niggle at me all day make me irritable....and I take it out on whoever is closest. :(


Anyway,I could go on and on.

Mandy said...

Wow. I could post this on my blog and sign my name. I struggle with most of the same things. Thanks for your honesty.

Jennifer said...

I too identify with some things that you have written and I'm constantly in prayer about them. I'll be sure to pray for you when I pray for me. It's good to know there's another person out there that has problems...it's not just me!

Mich said...

I love you...

Jim said...

Amb,
And here I thought we taught you how to be perfect! HA!

You do have a way of "putting it out there" that is refreshing and, need I say it, "real"? It's good relationsl communications, but good "therapy" for the soul, as well, so keep it up.

We love you.
Dad

Mommy of Multiples said...

What an awesome blog post. Seriously, perfect. i have learned from years of putting on a pretty face and showing all the pretty colors, and being what I thought people wanted me to be, that in no way does that make me happy and it's just so fake. I recently let my gaurd down..and stripped away all "makeup" should we say, and am just REAL with my friends, with people. Certainly not easy at first but boy does it feel great. And your so right...I have felt so many of the same things you are talking about and I think so many woman, moms do as well. Just most of the time...we are not brave enough to spill the "dirty laundry"/But hey, it's life...it's reality... Thanks for sharing!

Nina Diane said...

we're all real my friend....

Kristin said...

And I love you for all the things you posted about and am so glad to have "met" you. You know what an open book I can be, so I love reading other posts where the author is open and doesn't say what they think others want to hear or post about what they think is harmless. I love these get it all out there warts and all posts.

Good job, Amber!

Lori Motl said...

Amber, I don't really know you. We've crossed paths a few times in town. I remember you distinctly for your amazing journaling in your scrapbooks (I still think about that shoulders poem in one of your boys albums). I stumbled across your blog from Meredith's links. I just want to say thank you for being so honest. It helps to know we are not out there alone. I too could say MANY of the same things. Thanks!

Carpoolqueen said...

Catching up on some of your earlier posts...and ditto, ditto, ditto. And are you an MK? Because I am. And I have my theories as to why you wrote this and why I could have as well.

mimi said...

I love this post!