You Have Got To Be Kidding.... (Stories of What Is NOT Happening Around These Here Parts)

My laundry is all completely washed, dried, folded, and put away.  All hampers in my house are barren of dirty clothes.  Every bed is sporting fresh sheets, and every cabinet is filled with fluffy snuggly towels.  The members of my family are not having to fish for underwear in laundry baskets that are not scattered throughout the house, and the husband did not have to reuse a towel for the 56th time this morning.  I also have not had to rewash a load of clothes 5 times because I keep forgetting them.  I would never allow this to happen.

Speaking of laundry, my washing machine and dryer are very very clean.  They do not have soap gunk stuck all around the edges, and they also are most definitely not covered in lint from when I attempt to empty out the lint trap.  You could eat off those appliances.  That is if you are into eating in the laundry room.  I hear it is a fashionable thing to do in Constantinople.

My kitchen is also sitting pretty.  Every dish has been washed and put away, and there is not a skillet nor a muffin tin still sitting on my cabinet begging for a washing.  Every cooking surface has been de-germed, and if you look hard enough you can see yourself in the cooktop, because there is most definitely not a rather large remnant of a boil over issue. 

The remodel is coming along swimmingly.  My living room is beginning to resemble a usable living space that humans might actually want to habitate inside of, and it certainly is not anywhere close to "condemned" status should, say, the feds show up.  My children will not be taken away from me for the disaster area that is not present, and the lovely layer of white drywall dust that has taken over the every surface of the house is not a pain in my neck but instead is lending itself nicely to the wintry wonderland landscape that is January.

Fourth grade math is now my most favorite subject to teach.  Being a supreme mathematician, the endless hours of long division, fractions, and decimals are like music to my soul.  I awaken each morning to the sun pouring in my white dust laden window and say, "Hooray, Self! It's another day that you get to experience the joy that is math!"  The only thing that could possibly make me more giddy would be teaching Bernoulli's Law to a room full of Kindergartners while standing on my head and wearing a gorilla suit.

Because of the remodel, one of our two working satellite equipped televisions is out of commission.  This has resulted in the fantastic arrangement of the tv in my bedroom being taken over by the little people.  This has thrilled me and the husband to no end.  Because it is a blessed thing to go to bed and wake up with Animal Planet and Scooby Doo blaring in your ear and rolling over onto a pile of sour cream and onion potato chips that have mysteriously found their way in between your sheets.  It is such a lovely arrangement that we have decided to just get rid of our living room television entirely and just settle for our bedroom being Grand Central Station indefinitely.  Because it is just.that.awesome.

Our family has been surprisingly healthy this week.  Not one of us has managed to go through a box of Kleenex or a bottle of NyQuil all week.  No one has chapped noses or lips, and everyone is able to breathe perfectly out of both nostrils.  No one has been to the doctor, been shot with steroids, or prescribed heavy duty drugs.  We are the poster children of health.  Anyone sick? Definitely snot here.

No one around me is blogging anything good anymore.  In fact, this post about Facebook written by my friend New Every Morning is terrible.  Do not read it.  It is not true.  And it will not make you laugh.  Also, this post about the delightful weather we've been experiencing written by my buddies Whimzie and Tiffani  is also a piece of non-hilarity.  Not worth your time.  If you go visit them, don't say I didn't warn you.

Go forth, prosper, and have a horrendous day.  You all are most definitely not my favorite people.