1.08.2010

You Have Got To Be Kidding.... (Stories of What Is NOT Happening Around These Here Parts)

My laundry is all completely washed, dried, folded, and put away.  All hampers in my house are barren of dirty clothes.  Every bed is sporting fresh sheets, and every cabinet is filled with fluffy snuggly towels.  The members of my family are not having to fish for underwear in laundry baskets that are not scattered throughout the house, and the husband did not have to reuse a towel for the 56th time this morning.  I also have not had to rewash a load of clothes 5 times because I keep forgetting them.  I would never allow this to happen.

Speaking of laundry, my washing machine and dryer are very very clean.  They do not have soap gunk stuck all around the edges, and they also are most definitely not covered in lint from when I attempt to empty out the lint trap.  You could eat off those appliances.  That is if you are into eating in the laundry room.  I hear it is a fashionable thing to do in Constantinople.

My kitchen is also sitting pretty.  Every dish has been washed and put away, and there is not a skillet nor a muffin tin still sitting on my cabinet begging for a washing.  Every cooking surface has been de-germed, and if you look hard enough you can see yourself in the cooktop, because there is most definitely not a rather large remnant of a boil over issue. 

The remodel is coming along swimmingly.  My living room is beginning to resemble a usable living space that humans might actually want to habitate inside of, and it certainly is not anywhere close to "condemned" status should, say, the feds show up.  My children will not be taken away from me for the disaster area that is not present, and the lovely layer of white drywall dust that has taken over the every surface of the house is not a pain in my neck but instead is lending itself nicely to the wintry wonderland landscape that is January.

Fourth grade math is now my most favorite subject to teach.  Being a supreme mathematician, the endless hours of long division, fractions, and decimals are like music to my soul.  I awaken each morning to the sun pouring in my white dust laden window and say, "Hooray, Self! It's another day that you get to experience the joy that is math!"  The only thing that could possibly make me more giddy would be teaching Bernoulli's Law to a room full of Kindergartners while standing on my head and wearing a gorilla suit.

Because of the remodel, one of our two working satellite equipped televisions is out of commission.  This has resulted in the fantastic arrangement of the tv in my bedroom being taken over by the little people.  This has thrilled me and the husband to no end.  Because it is a blessed thing to go to bed and wake up with Animal Planet and Scooby Doo blaring in your ear and rolling over onto a pile of sour cream and onion potato chips that have mysteriously found their way in between your sheets.  It is such a lovely arrangement that we have decided to just get rid of our living room television entirely and just settle for our bedroom being Grand Central Station indefinitely.  Because it is just.that.awesome.

Our family has been surprisingly healthy this week.  Not one of us has managed to go through a box of Kleenex or a bottle of NyQuil all week.  No one has chapped noses or lips, and everyone is able to breathe perfectly out of both nostrils.  No one has been to the doctor, been shot with steroids, or prescribed heavy duty drugs.  We are the poster children of health.  Anyone sick? Definitely snot here.

No one around me is blogging anything good anymore.  In fact, this post about Facebook written by my friend New Every Morning is terrible.  Do not read it.  It is not true.  And it will not make you laugh.  Also, this post about the delightful weather we've been experiencing written by my buddies Whimzie and Tiffani  is also a piece of non-hilarity.  Not worth your time.  If you go visit them, don't say I didn't warn you.

Go forth, prosper, and have a horrendous day.  You all are most definitely not my favorite people.

15 comments:

whimzie said...

Bless your pointed head.

Jim said...

AMB,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?

DID I WAKE UP THIS MORNING IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE AND NOT REALIZE IT UNTIL I READ YOUR BLOG?

HAS SOUTHERN ARKANSAS DROPPED OFF OF THE MAP INTO A BLACK HOLE AND NO ONE WAS ABLE TO "BEAM-OUT" BEFORE BEING CONSUMED?

IS THIS THE AMB I USUALLY BLOG COMMENT ON?

I'M GETTIN' OLD, I GUESS. IT'S HARD TO GO THROUGH LINE BY LINE AND CHANGE THE WORDS BACK TO OUR U SO I CAN INTERPRET THE TRUE MEANING OF THE INCOHERENT THOUGHTS THEREIN!

TO QUOTE A WELL KNOWN PHRASE - I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

jim-Dad

theelizabethhighsmith said...

No way.......Because I totally DO NOT have a laundry volcano in my bathroom either, nor have I eaten fudge before dinner, cause I definitely have self-control and all. I mean I DON'T have any dishes in the sink-either! And you're also so not one of my favorite peeps in the bloggy world. Irony, it's just plain ironic that's what it is.

Marla Taviano said...

Tee hee hee. I like you back. And so excited to have sneaked into your circle. Elizabeth and I go waaaaaaaaay back (at least a year), but the others are new to me. AND I LOVE THEM!

And for the record, my daughter's pajamas didn't match. They're not even pajamas. That tie-dye thing is supposed to be a dress. And the pants are old, old, old from Old Navy (size 3T and she wears 5). And NONE of her other "pajamas" are even THAT coordinated.

And all of that is true. Non-hilarious, but true.

Marla Taviano said...

Well, it's official. I love your blog. And I'm going to stop now. Stop commenting on all your old posts when I don't even know if you'll see them.

New Every Morning said...

I misread the title and after the second paragraph I thought you might be pregnant and nesting like crazy. Whew!

You're so funny, girlie!!

Mich said...

You are so not funny... :)

But I do so love you bunches (sorry but I can't even pretend to say it another way!)

Elizabeth said...

You. are. brilliant.

And you had me going for a minute, but then I realized that I know you better than that. You and your sarcasm. I love you both!

Alison said...

Hilarious! Although, I had to say, I failed to read the title of your post when I clicked on the blog and was so excited for you. I think it took me til the third one down before I started thinking, "Nah - has she really gone off the cleaning deep end?" It was then that I scrolled back up and read the title. Too funny!

Lindsay said...

You know I love your blog. Unaware that you LOVE math. I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum in that subject area... Actually Math phobic is more like it. May see if friend Amber can help me overcome it a bit.

Kellie said...

THank goodness I read Marla's comment to reread the title! Cuz I was confused....although that isn't abnormal for these parts!

You are so fun! Even for slower minded bloggers like me!

Sami said...

And I didn't glue my shirt together. I bet you've never done anything like that either :)

Gretchen said...

Well, we can always be friends, then, because my house is exactly like yours. ;)

Have a cruddy week, Amber.

Christi said...

I was getting very jealous of how together you had it, until read a little further! Funny! Looks like we are all in the same boat! :)

Terry Lewallen said...

Amber-
Tonight I was in blog reading "catch-up" land. And I am embarrassed to say that I had to go all the way back to Dec 17th and that Gingerbread madness to get caught up....but I loved every post! You always make me laugh and help me to feel like I'm not the only one who wakes up in a crazy world every now and then. I loved seeing what all you guys did for Christmas and I am excited to see what is to come of the remodel. And check out your new furniture all nestled into the new living room.
Now that all the Christmassy busy stuff is over and we are back home, I plan on keeping up with you a little better.