A little history to get us started:
It is possible that our children have a slight aversion to the handles found on standard toilets. A slight aversion meaning they forget to use them. It is also possible that their aversion to bathroom fixtures extends to toilet paper. As in..they don't use it. Judge our parenting all you want, but it doesn't matter how many times we discuss the need for wipeage and flushage...it seems to go in one ear and out the other. And we continue to discover gifts in the potty. Gifts that aren't wrapped. If you get my drift. The husband has become prone to refer to these little treasures as the "poop nugget." Thanks to
our big mouths and lack of knowing the definition of T.M.I. our commitment to openness and honesty, the infamy of the poop nugget is spreading. Lucky us. Now...on with the show....
- BABY DADDY -- also known around these parts as "The Husband." Dressed in work clothes and sawdust stuck to his head. Fresh in the midst of The Great Remodel of Twenty Ten (TGRTT), his nerves are about shot and possibly a little less patient than usual.
- MOI -- that's me. Wearing Tinkerbell pajama pants and a Razorback shirt. Because I have insane style sense.
- THE RASCALS -- a collection of the most rowdy, handsome, ornery little men I've ever met in my life. Dirt smudged faces, mismatched socks, and looks of pure innocence upon their sweet cheeks.
- Our home. In compete and utter disarray thanks to the remodeling project that is sucking the very life breath out of us, but yet at the same time still comfy and homey. Like in the dirty socks in the hall way and yesterday's lunch dishes still in the sink kind of way.
The scene opens with THE RASCALS playing in the living room. BABY DADDY and MOI are working on various projects pertaining to the TGRTT, and there is an air of general contentment in the air. BABY DADDY exits the room and heads down the hall to the restroom for a little..uh...break.
BABY DADDY: (voice booming) AMBER! Come here!
MOI: (rolling eyes, thinking that she had just restocked the toilet paper) What in the world?
BABY DADDY: Just come here. I need to show you something.
MOI: (gives audience a confused look...because although she is a curious individual, she isn't THAT curious.) Coming.
MOI makes way down the hall to the bathroom to find BABY DADDY standing in bathroom with hands on his hips staring at the floor. Focus shifts to...get ready...a POOP NUGGET in the middle of the floor.
BABY DADDY: Do you see what I see? We have now graduated to poop nuggets in the floor. Do you see that?
MOI: Uh. Yah. I see it. But I didn't do it. (surely that could have gone unsaid, but felt the need to defend herself)
BABY DADDY: (yelling) BOYS! Get back here. NOW.
THE RASCALS take off stampeding down the hall to reach the BABY DADDY who is maintaining his stance of poop nugget frustration. MOI takes the opportunity to slink away and leave BABY DADDY to handle that bundle of fun on his own. MOI resumes place in living room and continues with her previous task.
BABY DADDY: (audience can here muffled voices as the interrogation proceeds) says a battery of things like: Do you see that? Who did this? Your mother and I didn't do it, so we know it was one of you? That is disgusting. Look how far away from the toilet that is. Which one of you was it?
THE RASCALS soon return to the living room with confused and dazed looks, whispering amongst themselves. BABY DADDY enters with stern look and body posture.
BABY DADDY: (obvious gruffness) Mama, we have a LIAR in this house! A LIAR!
THE RASCALS: (all begin speaking at once and super quick on the defensive) It wasn't me! I haven't even pooped today! I know I poop a lot, but I wouldn't do that! I did go poop today, but I didn't do it! It wasn't me! It wasn't me!
Some time passes. MOI continues to giggle at herself while she works. THE RASCALS continue to hash out the possibilities of who left the poop nugget on the floor. BABY DADDY returns to the room, still looking gruff.
BABY DADDY: Mama, has anyone fessed up yet to leaving the poop nugget?
Heads shake. BABY DADDY rolls his eyes and leaves the room.
The lights go down on the stage and one lone light comes on in the bathroom in the hall. MOI quietly enters the bathroom. The spotlight hits the poop nugget STILL ON THE FLOOR.
MORAL TO THE STORY: Apparently Baby Daddies may take great offense to poop nuggets. But not so great of an offense to mind it being left in the floor.
But I suppose in any great case, evidence is to remain untouched until all evidence has been properly processed (no pun intended!), and the investigation is complete.
You may now refer to the husband as Horatio Caine.