1.24.2010

A Play. About the Mystery of Nuggets. And I'm Not Talking Chicken.

A little history to get us started: 
It is possible that our children have a slight aversion to the handles found on standard toilets.  A slight aversion meaning they forget to use them.  It is also possible that their aversion to bathroom fixtures extends to toilet paper.  As in..they don't use it.  Judge our parenting all you want, but it doesn't matter how many times we discuss the need for wipeage and flushage...it seems to go in one ear and out the other.  And we continue to discover gifts in the potty. Gifts that aren't wrapped.  If you get my drift.  The husband has become prone to refer to these little treasures as the "poop nugget."  Thanks to our big mouths and lack of knowing the definition of T.M.I. our commitment to openness and honesty, the infamy of the poop nugget is spreading.  Lucky us.  Now...on with the show....

CHARACTERS:

  • BABY DADDY -- also known around these parts as "The Husband."  Dressed in work clothes and sawdust stuck to his head.  Fresh in the midst of The Great Remodel of Twenty Ten (TGRTT), his nerves are about shot and possibly a little less patient than usual.
  • MOI -- that's me.  Wearing Tinkerbell pajama pants and a Razorback shirt.  Because I have insane style sense.
  • THE RASCALS -- a collection of the most rowdy, handsome, ornery little men I've ever met in my life.  Dirt smudged faces, mismatched socks, and looks of pure innocence upon their sweet cheeks.
SETTING:
  • Our home.  In compete and utter disarray thanks to the remodeling project that is sucking the very life breath out of us, but yet at the same time still comfy and homey.  Like in the dirty socks in the hall way and yesterday's lunch dishes still in the sink kind of way. 
ACT 7328. SCENE 3.

The scene opens with THE RASCALS playing in the living room.  BABY DADDY and MOI are working on various projects pertaining to the TGRTT, and there is an air of general contentment in the air.  BABY DADDY exits the room and heads down the hall to the restroom for a little..uh...break.

BABY DADDY:  (voice booming) AMBER!  Come here!

MOI:  (rolling eyes, thinking that she had just restocked the toilet paper)  What in the world?

BABY DADDY:  Just come here.  I need to show you something.

MOI:  (gives audience a confused look...because although she is a curious individual, she isn't THAT curious.)  Coming. 

MOI makes way down the hall to the bathroom to find BABY DADDY standing in bathroom with hands on his hips staring at the floor.  Focus shifts to...get ready...a POOP NUGGET in the middle of the floor.

BABY DADDY:  Do you see what I see?  We have now graduated to poop nuggets in the floor.  Do you see that?

MOI:  Uh. Yah.  I see it.  But I didn't do it.  (surely that could have gone unsaid, but felt the need to defend herself)

BABY DADDY:  (yelling)  BOYS!  Get back here.  NOW.

THE RASCALS take off stampeding down the hall to reach the BABY DADDY who is maintaining his stance of poop nugget frustration.  MOI takes the opportunity to slink away and leave BABY DADDY to handle that bundle of fun on his own.  MOI resumes place in living room and continues with her previous task.

BABY DADDY:  (audience can here muffled voices as the interrogation proceeds)  says a battery of things like:  Do you see that?  Who did this?  Your mother and I didn't do it, so we know it was one of you?  That is disgusting.  Look how far away from the toilet that is.  Which one of you was it?

THE RASCALS soon return to the living room with confused and dazed looks, whispering amongst themselves.  BABY DADDY enters with stern look and body posture.

BABY DADDY:  (obvious gruffness)  Mama, we have a LIAR in this house!  A LIAR!

THE RASCALS:  (all begin speaking at once and super quick on the defensive)  It wasn't me!  I haven't even pooped today!  I know I poop a lot, but I wouldn't do that!  I did go poop today, but I didn't do it!  It wasn't me!  It wasn't me!

Some time passes.  MOI continues to giggle at herself while she works.  THE RASCALS continue to hash out the possibilities of who left the poop nugget on the floor.  BABY DADDY returns to the room, still looking gruff.

BABY DADDY:  Mama, has anyone fessed up yet to leaving the poop nugget?

Heads shake.  BABY DADDY rolls his eyes and leaves the room. 

The lights go down on the stage and one lone light comes on in the bathroom in the hall.  MOI quietly enters the bathroom.  The spotlight hits the poop nugget STILL ON THE FLOOR.

Curtain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MORAL TO THE STORY:  Apparently Baby Daddies may take great offense to poop nuggets.  But not so great of an offense to mind it being left in the floor. 

But I suppose in any great case, evidence is to remain untouched until all evidence has been properly processed (no pun intended!), and the investigation is complete.

You may now refer to the husband as Horatio Caine. 

17 comments:

Cathy said...

Thank.you.so.much.

For at the exact point I was going to CRY over spilled milk (or poop as it were) and I am now laughing over "spilled" milk (or poop nuggets as it were) (see twitter for my NOT so funny account w/ TMI(for I don't know the meaning of it either))

I'm done. And done using (parenthesis) too.

LOVE you AND your panning for gold (poop) nugget rascals.

Kendra said...

And that's why we're stopping at two Rascals. Because I'm afraid of what would happen to civilizations around here if there are three. Will SOMEONE please just pick up the nugget, flush it, and continue to punish the lying Rascals until one fesses up with a clean bathroom floor at least? How do you survive!

Amy Fulmer said...

In their defense....

As a Pre-K teacher, I am much more involved in the everyday workings of bathrooms than one might desire. One too many times, I have been on urinal supervision when a little fella who thought he was peeing got a little more than he bargained for. And not every time they know it happens.

Boys are gross. Just sayin'.

Mich said...

Cracking up...

Laughing out loud...the fact that I know all the players and actually visualize the faces and hear the words, makes this post priceless.

Thanks sis, for the laugh. I needed that!

Love you!

Jim said...

Amb,
What's the rating on this play? Obviously "G" in light of the actors involved. It's rather like a mystery series like we used to watch at the theatre when I was growing up - you know, back when we used candles rather than electrical lights for the projector? The series would get you right up to what was termed the "cliffhanger" (obviously named for a Stallone type hanging by his nails to a 1/2 in ledge) - then the announcement would come on with a drum roll - come back next week and see if the hero falls to his death, or as in this case, does "Horatio" cock his head in that funny way and finally come up with the guilty rascal. Can't wait on the next act.

On pins and needles, I am,
Jim-Dad

Lindsay said...

Laughed so hard, Amber. I'm with Jim Dad, can't wait for the sequel.

The Bowden's said...

Oh my! :) My girl is almost just as bad even still, just none left on the floor so far.

Tiffani said...

GAG.ME.WITH.ME.SPOON.

I have nothing to say except that your ability to compose a play on ANY subject matter is always entertaining and fascinating!!!

Nina Diane said...

uhh..yuck?
the "mama, there is a liar in the house"....that cracked me up!

New Every Morning said...

I just snort-laughed my way off the couch with my eye makeup streaming down my face. I snorted so loud, it caught hubby's attention away from the Saints and Viking game. Girl, you're a comedian!! Amy Fulmer's comment almost made me wet my pants. SO funny!

Marla Taviano said...

Where can I purchase an anthology of your original screenplays?

Alison said...

I just about peed my pants.

I'm dreading my baby boy getting to the age of yours. My daughter, too, for that matter since she's only two and a half and feels the need to announce (very loudly) that she tooted out her bottom. In public none the less.

Maybe Amy's right. Maybe one of them "tooted out their bottom" while peeing and a poop nugget flew out along with that toot. Hahaha!

Poop nugget...hilarious! I pity the person who searches for "nugget" and ends up reading your blog entry on poop nuggets. Hmm....

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

I can only laugh! Having a rascal myself I can totally see that happening~and him denying it. My little girl would have been totally grossed out and if by some strange reason she would have been the one to have done it she would have cleaned it up so no one would know! Ah, the difference between the sexes ;)

Gretchen said...

Thank you God, for the Amy Fulmer's of this world who tell it like it is! ;)

This was a glorious play. We have a small encore at our house i'd like to play for you.

Son13: Walks into the bathroom, possibly getting the door almost closed.

Mom40: Possibly typing on the computer in the room adjacent to the bathroom. Hears Son13's waterfall.

Mom40: "Son?"

Son13: "Yeah, Mom?"

Mom40: Knowing 2 things for certain: 1. the seat was not lifted prior to take off, and 2. There WILL be "leftovers" on the seat. Don't ask her how she knows this. But Paul Simon's song "Slip Slidin' Away" comes to mind.

Mom40: "Be sure to wipe off the seat when you're finished."

Son13: "Okay."

Moral: It does no good to repeat/nag/beat him into submission re: lifting the lid and aiming. We must lose some battles in favor of winning the war.

You are such a treat, my friend. Love your heart posts, and your giggle posts. Love you.

Sami said...

Oh.My.Word.

Yeah, I am so not ready for kids.

I would hurl my guts out.

Allyson said...

Oh my word that is SO my house! We only have 2 of our 3 lil guys potty trained but we ALWAYS have gifts in our toilets too. And every few days we have a conversation about their butts hurting and how they could prevent it. lol Good to know as disgusting as they are they are normal! lol

Michelle said...

My favorite 'nuggets' are those that show up in the bath tub. One must empty the tub, retrieve and flush the nugget, scrub and sterilize the tub, and then rewash the son...