Mammals....Not As Innocent As They Seem

I didn't breastfeed my kids.  I just didn't.  Didn't even try. 

I think it is a beautiful thing, and y'all can be all judgy and send me all kinds of emails telling me what an amazing experience I missed out on, how I have deprived my children of a stronger immune system, and how I shouldn't have stopped before I even started...I get it....but it was a choice that Kirk and I made, and it had nothing to do with any disregard for its significance or its beauty.  I just didn't do it.

But maybe I should have.

For the least of the significant reasons....because I was rendered completely and totally speechless yesterday.

It all started with a relatively normal day of school.  We had already finished up with our core subjects and had moved on to Science. 

The lesson:  Whales and Their Babies.

Sweet, right?  I was imaging a blessed little lesson in which we would "ooooh" and "aaaah" over cute little whale baby snapshots and talk about how amazing it is that these huge mammals are such caring, nurturing, and sacrificial mothers to their young.  Precious....this is what I thought, too.

Yah.  Sure.

We get to the part in our book where it reads something along the lines of "as with all other mammals, whales feed their babies with their milk."  And then it goes on to give a brief G-rated anatomy lesson on the exact placement of certain glands and so on.

All going well.  Until.

Sawyer:  They're like cows.
Me:  That's right.  Like cows.  Because cows are mammals.  And all other mammals do the same thing, we're just really used to seeing the cows giving milk.
Sawyer:  (because he's randomI like cows.

Moving on to cute pictures.  No sweat.

Uh...not so fast.

Keaton:  (with the horror of realization crossing through his eyes)  But.....uh......we're mammals.
Me:  (with the horror of realization of where this convo is going)  Uh...that's right.  Humans are mammals.

The longest pause of silence known to man.

Keaton:  (sheer terror) Nuh-uh, Mama.  Nuh.Uh.  Please tell me that it isn't true.  Because that.is.gross.

And so induced the mystified haze my eldest offspring walked through all day.

Ranger Rick Safety Tip For the Day:  When making your pros-and-cons list for whether to nurse your very-mammal babies or not, add this one to the PROS side:  "Being around you while you are nursing your child's younger siblings will most likely eliminate the horror and traumatizing that will come one day when your nine year old son studies mammals."

You're welcome.


mimi said...

Ha! Thank you for preparing me for what is most sure to come with my boys. I'm very sure that I will get the same "that's gross" comment. It is a strange visual, don't ya think?

Anonymous said...

Totally love it! I'm sure Keaton's face was much like my dear son's when her learned the "birds and the bees" and then realized that not only did mommy and daddy have to do that to get him, but Grandma and Grandpa did it too. :)

Yeah - have fun looking forward to that one, too. You're welcome.

Elizabeth said...

They would never survive at my house:) And I probably shouldn't let them talk to jake about it. He knows too much!

Michele said...

You crack me up girl!!! Keaton cracks me up! One time after Ashley saw my sister nursing my niece she said, "Which one is for food and which one is for drink?"

Jennifer said...

Seriously just snorted Peppermint Mocha coffee out my nose!!

Mich said...

Too funny.

Mandy said...

Good stuff, Amber. Good stuff.

No judgement here. I nursed mine out of guilt and I'm so ready for Skyler to be totally done so I can have my body (and modesty) back!

Amy Fulmer said...


At least no one tried to milk anyone.

Jennifer said...

I am DYING! Love it. Samuel would still be breast feeding if I would let him. Em too for that matter. My kids loved the boob. I can't blame them; I have a great rack.

Tiffani said...


the opposite end of that though, is my children who were nursed for a while, are silly and always saying "we drank from your boobs!"...

Poor Jim-Dad better stay away from all these comments!! ;)

theelizabethhighsmith said...

i saw a women give birth on GPTV in my pre-teens my mother thought it was beautiful i wanted to permanently lock my legs together and get into the fetal position....keep the baby far, far away from the public tv station

New Every Morning said...

That. Is. Hysterical!!! Your boys are adorable. Can't wait for your post in a couple of years when you explain the facts of life.

Gretchen said...




But I also can't help but be sad that we moms have created such a judgy spot for others that you have to put a disclaimer on a post like this. Phooey. You did what was right for you and yours.


Jim said...

It's time for the proverbial "10 ft. pole" which is way too short to ever even touch the subject in this company, thank you very much!


Andrea said...

Oh my! You crack me up ~ or I guess Keaton is the one cracking me up this time. :) My husband was having a really bad day so I pulled him to the computer to cheer him up with your funny post.

lisa@littlesliceoflife said...


And I'm with Kea. Breastfeeding is gross. Gives me the heebie jeebies.

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

That is fuuuunnnnyyyy!!!

Alison said...

That is quite possibly the funniest thing I've heard all day. So funny..mainly because I'm currently still nursing Ethan, and I can only imagine him in that convo.

I have to say, I didn't mind nursing Zoe b/c she is a girl...but for some reason, it's weird and different with a boy. Maybe it's just me.

Oh, and maybe it was funny because of what you said at the very end about siblings being in the same room. Zoe decided to 'nurse' her Dora doll yesterday while I was nursing Ethan. Yanked the shirt up and shoved Dora to her chest....so funny.

Becky said...

Oh Amber, I am laughing so hard right now!!! I can only imagine the questions my 4 year old son will have when I nurse the new baby! :)

I also remember us having a conversation about the grossness of breastfeeding one time! Swore I would never do it but then I got pregnant and well....

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