Argh. But a Good Argh.

Today it happened.

The crazy mix of wanting to throw in the towel on this whole homeschool business and of pure confirmation that I was doing the right thing.

My burden to homeschool began with Sawyer.

My precious redhead from whom all things stubborn, mischievous, and temperamental flow. If you haven't had the privilege to meet The SawDog in real life, then you are missing out. This kid has the hind legs of a mule mixed with the heart of a big ole' slobbery puppy dog. To know Saw is to love him, but on the same token, to know Saw is to want to pull your hair out of your head one painful strand at a time.

Sawyer is a smart kid. Really, he is. He just isn't quite the brightest bulb on the tree. Bless his heart, he gets his common sense from his mama (and she didn't have much to spare...ahem), and there are days that he just has to be reminded to walk in a straight line or else he would be constantly turning circles trying to remember where he was going.

Sawyer is also a follower. He has tremendous potential to be a leader, and he even masquerades as one once in awhile, but for the most part, Saw's viewpoint is that everything is always greener on the other side. He's a walking xerox machine....from mannerisms, to sayings, to actions, to you name it....and because of his periodic lack of judgement, he usually isn't xeroxing the right folks.

Mix all of these characteristics together, and not only do you have a funny, hysterically cool kid (he really is a great kid), but you have a recipe for trouble. Just keepin' it real. Because Sawyer is our one that we struggle with. He is the one that causes Kirk and I to constantly check to make sure our parenting cards haven't been revoked. I love him to ever-lovin' pieces, but he is just a tough kid. Tough...as in...Dear Jesus, Please come back before he's a teenager...tough.

And so came my burden to homeschool. I kept feeling that if we didn't get a grasp on his behavior and attitude issues now, then there was the potential for losing him when he was older. I knew that keeping him at home with me during the foundational years would allow me to remove some of the distractions that so hinder my precious son, but also give me the minutes and hours that are so crucial to instill God's Word in his heart and refocus some of his energy in a more positive way. I knew it would be a long hard road, but admittedly looked through rose colored glasses as our homeschool process started.

Our first couple of weeks have gone as smooth as silk, but this morning, the gloves came off. It was more than a battle of wills. It was an all out massacre. Two hours were spent on copying 15 spelling words. There were no less than 4,934 tantrums thrown, and we had to change shirts once because the first one was soaked through from all the crocodile tears.

After the 495th time of me saying, "You can do this, Saw. You can. We'll get this done and then we'll move on," I was about ready to snap. It was really all that I could do to not leap across the table, rip up the spelling words, and rip him to shreds in the process.

But, it hit me.

This is why we are here. This is why we're home.

The easy thing would be to send them to conventional school. To send Sawyer off to another teacher to handle. To not deal with things like spelling word meltdowns and handwriting hissy fits. It really would be easier.

But confirmation came today in the middle of the throwdown, because I was reminded of exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing. Because I know that we can get through it. That Sawyer is going to see patience and perseverance modeled in his mother, no matter how hard it is for his mother to pretend like his stubbornness isn't making her crazy. That Sawyer is going to come out better because of our experience. That Sawyer will grow.

And that is enough.

Even if it means that by May my hair will be completely gray, and my prescription for Prozac will be tripled.

It will be enough.