My emotions have been scraped so far down to the bone that one word mistakenly said or a slight unfortunate tone in a voice is like hot bleach searing through my flesh.
My status on facebook yesterday was that I felt like I was doing all that I could do to just dig my nails in and claw my way through the day. I think some people thought I just needed a cup of coffee or that my fast that I've taken on for Lent has finally made me walk on the wrong side of the crazy track. But, really, I have just reached a plateau of really really hard days.
I'm trying to reexamine myself and really dig deep to discover who it is that I'm called to be.
I've always been a lively personality, but it wasn't until very recently that I've become confident and secure enough in myself that I have been able to throw off the worrying-what-everyone-thinks jacket and really step into the this-is-me-take-it-or-leave-it arena. It was a hard, scary transition, but a very liberating one. I felt free to be my inner sarcastic, fun-loving, live-on-the-edge self.
But I'm struggling with whether that is who I'm called to be.
Am I called to put aside that inner drive to be blatantly honest about myself and who I am, choosing to not hide behind any curtains, and just let-it-all-hang-out (so to speak) in the name of authenticity and transparency? Or is that actually, in fact, the woman God wants me to be, so that I might be an encourager to others? Or am I really just a stumbling block? Am I being a true friend, or a hindrance?
It's been a hard pill to swallow realizing that I perhaps have been driving wedges in God's will and plan. But, I'm also so unconfident in my discernment that I can't tell if I'm just being deceived by raw emotions and feelings that are so hard to categorize and verbalize.
And so I have reached this plateau of not knowing which way to go.
And so I pray. And I wait. And I approach the Throne of Grace with pleading....
And until discerment comes, I will do so quietly.....